Some lessons don’t reveal their true cost until much later. We think we’re making small choices or avoiding small challenges, only to discover those moments were shaping the road ahead. Growth rarely comes from the perfect moments. It comes from the ones that shake us, humble us, or force us to adjust. Your brain learns more from mistakes than from success, which means falling isn’t failure. It’s often how you move forward.
A Story About Falling Forward
During my senior year of high school, I made one small decision after another without thinking much about where they were taking me. I was kicked out of my house and out of school. I was sent to the Alternative Learning Center and lived in my car. I missed classes, failed English, and did not graduate.
At the time, I looked at each problem separately. I did not see that my choices were adding up to a pattern.
When I tried to enroll in college, I found out how much I had missed. I could not go straight into English 1. I had to take three consecutive semesters of remedial English first.
Years earlier, I had convinced myself the work did not matter. Now I had to do the work I had avoided before I could even begin the course I wanted.
I am now the author of Wisdom at a Cost. I write newsletters and develop curriculum for the Stay the Course Institute. Writing did not suddenly become easy. I had to stop avoiding it and build the skill.
Those setbacks did not make me a better writer. Doing the work I had avoided did.
What the Research Tells Us
A 2024 paper, The Exaggerated Benefits of Failure, examined expectations about what happens after people fail. Across eleven studies, people overestimated how often others would succeed after a setback, including how often people who failed an exam would pass a retest.
The researchers also found evidence that people expected others to pay more attention to failure feedback than they actually did.
These findings do not mean we cannot learn from failure. But they are a reason not to assume that learning happens just because something went wrong.
The practical lesson I take from this is to look closely at what happened and identify what needs to change. For me, recognizing the writing gap was a start. Taking the remedial courses and learning to write was the work.
The same distinction matters in turning learning into capability. Understanding what went wrong is a start. The next question is what you can do differently.
Three Questions to Put It to Work
Choose one setback or decision you are still dealing with. Give yourself a few minutes to answer these questions.
1. What do you understand now that you did not understand then?
Name the lesson. For me, avoiding a skill did not remove the need for it. It left me unprepared when I needed it.
2. Where are you still repeating the same choice?
Look for a behavior you can name, such as postponing feedback, skipping practice, or leaving preparation until the last minute.
3. What will you do differently now?
Pick one action: ask for feedback on a piece of work, practice the part you keep avoiding, or complete the preparation before it becomes urgent.
You cannot go back and change an earlier decision. You can decide what you do with its consequences. Sometimes falling forward begins with admitting there is work you still need to do, and being willing to do it.
Stay the course,
John Mathews
Founder, Stay the Course Institute
Sources
Eskreis-Winkler, L., Woolley, K., Erensoy, E., & Kim, M. (2024). The Exaggerated Benefits of Failure. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 153(7), 1920–1937.
